


The Gang does Three Men and a Baby

by Sunny_Bexster



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Canon Fatshaming, Canon Misogyny, Canon Slutshaming, Dennis is a Bastard Man, Dennis is a Bastard Man to a Baby, Gen, Idiots with a baby, In the Closet Mac, M/M, Mac/Dennis if you squint - Freeform, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23247943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunny_Bexster/pseuds/Sunny_Bexster
Summary: After realising that chicks dig dudes with babies, Mac convinces Dennis and Charlie to act like they're in the 1987 comedy Three Men and a Baby to meet hot women. Unsurprisingly, things do not go according to plan...
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Mac McDonald, Mac McDonald & Dennis Reynolds
Kudos: 8





	The Gang does Three Men and a Baby

“Y’know, guys just aren’t checking me out since we rescued this kid” complained Dee “Last couple of days, nothing - no attention whatsoever”

“That’s only happening to you now?” said Mac, smirking 

“Asshole”

The comment gave Mac pause for thought though “I think it’s been the opposite for me actually” he said, having cast his mind back over the last few days with D.B.. 

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, when you left me and D.B. outside the Wawa for like, 20 minutes I got a lot of smiles off a lot of ladies. Oh, I even got a dirty tongue lick” he looked down at the baby in the stroller “What took you so long anyway?”

“I was drinking wine in the handicapped stall” replied Dee, with no sense of shame. “You know the reason why you’re getting looks and I’m not?”

“Cos I’m hot?”

“Gross and no. Sexism” Dee crossed her arms, bristling with righteous indignation “Society sees a guy with a baby and they’re all, like ‘aww how cute, he’s like a dad or whatever’ but they see a woman...it’s just normal and a job or whatever - trust me, no dude is going to want to flirt with a chick who's got a kid with her…”

Mac had zoned out long before Dee had finished speaking. A plan was forming in his head. He grabbed the handles of the stroller “Hey, can I take D.B. for the rest of the day?” he asked, already walking away.

“What? Oh, sure - yeah.” Dee was grateful for the prospect of a baby-free afternoon “why, what you doing?

“Three Men and a Baby, Dee!” yelled Mac over his shoulder as he headed towards the bar, but not before making one quick stop.

He arrived at Paddy’s a short while later, breathless from the hurry and excitement “Guys!” he yelled at Dennis and Charlie as they sat at the bar “I’ve had the best idea!”

Dennis and Charlie stared at Mac’s chest, where D.B. was strapped into a baby harness. 

“What’s with the reverse baby backpack, man?” asked Charlie

“Yeah, I gotta say Mac, this is not a good look for you” said Dennis

Mac did a dismissive flick of his head “I don’t care if you don’t think this is working, I’m more concerned whether ladies think this is a good look or not...”

The other men shared a confused glance. 

“And...and why would they?” asked Dennis, wondering where this was all going.

“Chicks dig dudes with babies” grinned Mac, happy at last to be able to share his incredible plan.“So, here’s what we do - Three Men and a Baby” framing his words with his hands. 

“Three Men...and a Baby?” 

“Yeah, the movie. Three Men and a Baby” repeated Mac, frowning at how long it was taking Dennis and Charlie to buy into this amazing idea.

“Mac, I’m really not following-”

Full-on annoyed now, Mac launched into his final pitch “Look, in Three Men and a Baby, it’s three cool, hunky dudes just hanging out and living in a cool apartment and they get this baby and they just get laid so much. All the time.” he paused for emphasis “Ladies love a dude with a kid”

Dennis’ eyes lit up as the full realisation of Mac’s words dawned on him “You’re right - women, they see a guy with a baby as softer, more sensitive. It appeals to their emotional, feminine ways. A single guy with a baby could clean up. Mac, you’re a genius”

“Hell yeah, dude” Mac raised his arms up in a cheer, jolting D.B. up from the sleep he’d drifted into whilst the guys had discussed how to use him to attract women “Three Men and a Baby! We are going to get so much snatch!”

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go” Dennis threw back the last of his beer as Mac and Charlie walked towards the door “Hey, Frank - watch the bar for us” he called to the back office, completely oblivious to the fact Frank wasn’t in the pub, let alone the office.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’ve got to hand it to Mac, this is probably the best idea he’s ever had” Dennis and Charlie were sitting on a park bench, watching a small gaggle of women surrounding Mac coo over D.B., who was now awake and babbling happily.

It had been an incredibly successful hour. The three men alternated wearing D.B., playing the role of an exhausted but happy single dad who was looking to get back on the dating scene after the tragic early death of D.B.’s mother. Dennis had always found the idea of bereavement drove women to be more amenable to sex, through either pity or fear of loneliness. 

“Check it out” said Mac, grinning broadly as he held out his arm, phone digits jotted down on his   
forearm in ink “Four phone numbers - four! This kid is a godsend!”

Dennis frowned “Why didn’t you save their numbers in your phone?” he asked

The grin faded “I didn’t think of that….that’s a way better idea”

“Yes it is - now, c’mon. Give me the little guy - it’s my turn” Dennis held his hands out to hold D.B. as Mac began unbuckling the harness.

“This kids heavy, dude” said Mac, massaging his shoulder “He doesn’t look it but he’s kind of a chunker”

“One in three Americans are obese, Mac - statistically, things are not looking good for D.B.. Isn’t that right fatty?” Dennis asked D.B., who was now fully strapped onto his chest. 

“This plan is going amazingly, right?” said Mac, taking Dennis’ seat on the bench next to Charlie “I’m telling you, dude - Three Men and a Baby. Just us, being cool and scoring hot chicks that we bang in our awesome apartment.”

“Hey, how come, y’know, we never lived together like those guys?” asked Charlie “Like, you and Mac live together and I’ve got Frank now but I was like, alone before that….”

“Well there’s a very simple explanation for that, Charlie” said Dennis “It’s because you’re disgusting”. Mac nodded in silent agreement.

Charlie scoffed “What? Disgus- nah, I’m not...I’m not disgusting…”

“Charlie, you are easily the grossest person I know. You’re always covered in a layer of grime, all the time”

“It’s sad but true, dude” said Mac “I mean, you’re always working with like, dirt and garbage and shit”

“And we’ve not even talked about all the dirt and garbage you play with outside of your job” sighed Dennis “Face it, man - you’re a filthy, disgusting creature”

Charlie wasn’t prepared to accept that “I just think that….if we’re doing Three Men and a Baby and we’re trying to be like those guys and whatever, we should all live together and, y’know, agree that I’m not gross” he snorted “I’m not gross, man. I’m not.”

Dennis rolled his eyes “Charlie, do you think Three Men and a Baby had Ted Danson wearing a pair of stained long-johns, cooking hamburger meat he found in the trash on a greasy camping stove?”

The question hung between the men, as Charlie scrunched up his face to think about his answer “Maybe, I mean...they cut a lot of stuff outta movies so...y’know, it could be like a deleted scene or something”

“Something tells me they didn’t need to cut that scene because they didn’t film it in the first place. It would be gross and women don’t like gross, Charlie”

Charlie shrugged, clearly agitated “Yeah but, like - you don’t know every woman, Dennis so you can’t just say that” he was twirling something between his fingers, the speed increasing as he spoke. 

“What’s in your hands?” asked Mac

“Oh, it’s a bottle cap” Charlie held out a palm to show off the small, slightly buckled circle of metal. Not helping his argument, his hands were grubby and could have benefited from a scrub with a lot of soap.

Dennis was incredulous “Why did you bring a bottle cap from the bar?” 

“This? No, I got this here.”

Mac and Dennis grimaced at the typical Charlie display of gathering trash.

“You picked a bottle cap up off the ground? Charlie, you’ve no idea where it’s been”

“Oh I didn’t get this from the ground” explained Charlie, oblivious to the matching expressions of distaste on his friend’s faces “Nah, I saw this in that bin overthere and...y’know, grabbed it”

Dennis pinched the bridge of his nose and walked off to avoid any further discussions on Charlie’s inevitable path to starring in an extreme hoarders show.

Mac sighed and patted Charlie on the back “You kinda proved his point there, dude”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, the plan was continuing to be a roaring success. Between them Dennis, Mac and Charlie had over a dozen new phone-numbers.It was Mac’s turn to wear D.B., who had been playing the part of adorable, agreeable baby with gusto.

“I think I’ve actually beaten a personal record for most phone numbers acquired in one day” mused Dennis as he thumbed through his phone contacts “And Krissi - with K and I, very filthy - added an X after her name so, she is definitely down for whatever”

The pair approached a coffee cart. Charlie had wandered off somewhere but had not yet been missing the required twenty minutes for Mac and Dennis to start to worry about what trouble he’d gotten himself into.

“Mac, I am so, so pleased we did this - this is just an incredible day” he smiled, content at his conquests “Hey, grab me a cappuccino will you? I’m going to make a call” he tapped Mac lightly on the shoulder, gave D.B.’s cheek a quick squeeze before we walked away, determined to see exactly how filthy Krissi with an K and I really was.

As Mac waited for his coffee order, the cart owner smiled at D.B. “It’s so lovely to see a nice couple out for a walk”. 

Mac raised his eyebrows. With Charlie gone, the dynamic had changed from Three Men and a Baby to Two Men and a Baby. It sent a very different message to what he and Dennis had intended.

“Y’know, my son and his husband are trying to adopt at the moment” she sighed “Oh but it’s such a long and difficult process. You boys have really done a wonderful thing, raising a happy little baby in a loving home”

“Oh, er - we’re actually not-”

“Here we go” said the cart owner, placing two cups in front of Mac “on the house - my treat.”

Mac grinned at her “I love my gay husband and baby. I really can’t wait for your son to have what I have - it’s the best”. He grabbed his two free coffees and walked over to Dennis with a bounce in his step

“Here you go” he handed the coffee cup to Dennis “it was free”

“Free? Why?”

Mac coughed lightly and avoided Dennis’ expectant gaze “Cos of the baby” 

Dennis nodded, pleasantly surprised “Free coffee - this kid just keeps bringing us good luck”. He looked to see the cart owner waving at him. He smiled and waved back, wondering why Mac was standing close enough to press against him. 

By this time, Charlie had returned “guys, you are not going to believe this leaf I found, it’s insane...” 

“Charlie - don’t make me look at more stuff you’ve picked up off the floor today, okay?”

“Your loss” shrugged Charlie, turning the leaf over and over in his hands.

“My turn with D.B., Mac” Dennis gestured with his hands “Hand him over”

“I don’t know what women are complaining about, raising babies is easy” said Mac as he and Dennis completed the exchange.

“Just another reason why men are better than women. We don’t shoulder the responsibility for child rearing but when we do, because a woman has neglected her primary care-giving duties like D.B.’s mother, we naturally excel at it” he glanced down at the baby now strapped to his chest and gave him a light pat “Your mommy was a useless whore, D.B.”. 

D.B. let out a small cry that quickly escalated into a full-on sobbing fit.

“Dude, he’s crying” said Mac, unhelpfully pointing out the obvious.

“Well, Dennis did just call his mom a whore…” said Charlie, scratching the back of his neck. “I’d cry if someone called my mom a whore”.

“C’mon kid” said Dennis, bouncing D.B. gently to try and soothe him “No crying, I need you to bring your A-game”. The baby cried louder, tears streaking down his cheeks.

The three men exchanged worried looks. None of them were prepared for this and really ought to have expected at least one meltdown from the kid. .

“How do we make him stop?” asked Mac

“Here, lemme try” said Charlie, bending down to be eye-level with the distressed D.B. “heyyyy babyyyyy” he said, in what was intended to be a fun, silly voice but what instead came off as creepy and unsettling for everyone in earshot. D.B. cried louder, borderline inconsolable now. 

“Charlie, you’re making it worse. Stop” Dennis groaned “Mac, switch back - this crying is going to give me a headache, I can just tell”.

“What? No, I don’t want to be attached to a crying baby”. Inevitably, Dennis won and Mac sullenly strapped D.B. back on as they tried to formulate a plan. 

“Maybe he’s hungry” suggested Mac “do we...do we feed him?”

“That’ll be it - it’s just hungry” said Dennis. 

“I’m on it” yelled Charlie before he disappeared.

“What do babies eat anyhow?”

Mac smirked in spite of the screams filling his ears “Heh, boobs”

Dennis was in no mood “It’s breast milk, Mac. Don’t be an idiot and guess what, that doesn’t help us. Neither of us have boobs so...what else do kids eat? What does Dee feed it?”

“Oh dude, I have no clue, I just let her handle all that shit”.

Minutes passed as Mac and Dennis tried and failed to sooth D.B.. 

“I got food!” announced Charlie, appearing as quickly as he’d disappeared, triumphantly holding out a brown paper bag.

“Oh thank God - good one, Charlie” said Dennis, relief washing over him at the prospect of going back to parading a happy, gurgling D.B. around the park in their quest for phone numbers “What did you get?”

“Tacos” Charlie dug into the bag and produced a taco, partially disintegrated and dripping with sauce.

“Tacos?!?” stress had caused Dennis’ voice to hit an impressively high pitch “Charlie, you can’t feed a baby tacos!”

There was a pause “...can’t you?”

It was at that point that the three men collectively realised they were well out of their depth.

“That’s it” said Dennis “We’re going to store...”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They stared at the shelves before them, thoroughly overwhelmed. D.B. by now had mercifully stopped screaming and was grizzling unhappily. 

“Why are there so many options? Do babies really need all this food?” said Mac, as his eyes wandered over cans and tins and tubs of baby food of all flavours and consistencies.

“Whatever, just...just grab some and let’s go” Dennis huffed, picking up a jar from the closest shelf.

“Whoa, no - not that one” said Mac, with an urgency Dennis would never have associated with buying baby food.

“Why not?”

Mac laughed, as though Dennis had said something stupid “It’s got a girl baby on the label. It’s for girls, D.B. can’t eat that, he’s a boy...”

“Why...why does the baby on the label matter?”

“Yeah and isn’t the baby a boy anyway? He’s wearing a bow-tie” said Charlie, pointing to the happy, grinning baby on the jar’s label.

Dennis stood between the two, feeling like he was trapped in two separate but equally idiotic conversations “Charlie, it’s a hairbow, see” he pointed to the pink bow on top of the baby’s head, holding her curls in place “why would a baby wear a bowtie….why would a baby wear a bowtie on it’s head?”

Charlie shrugged “it’s baby, they don’t know how to dress themselves yet….they’re idiots”

Turning his attention to the stupidity on his left, Dennis asked Mac “why would this baby food be unsuitable for D.B.?”

“Cos it’s for girls, it’s got a girl on the label. We just need to find the boy baby food.” Mac started scanning the shelves, looking for a gender-specific food product that did not exist. “We can’t feed him that, it’ll turn him weird - he’ll start thinking he’s a girl, man. We can’t do that...”.

Dennis let out a long, low groan and wished he could be anywhere else. He spotted a shop worker walking up the aisle towards them and waved to her, desperate for some help that Mac and Charlie had so far failed to provide.

“Excuse me? Miss, can you help us please?”

“Sure” she smiled. The stress of picking out food had prevented Dennis from initially registering how pretty she was and he always enjoyed the subservient nature of service workers. He shifted into flirt-mode, adopting a softer but still self-assured tone “Thank you...” he peered down at her nametag “Sasha. Very pretty name” he smiled “Pretty name for pretty lady”

Sasha gave the strained, brittle smile of someone who really doesn’t appreciate being hit on by creeps whilst in work. “How can I help you?” she asked, steering the conversation away from where she was sure it was headed.

“Oh, we need to buy some baby food for our kid over here, D.B. and we’re not sure what’s best.”

“Okay, how old’s your baby?”

Dennis gestured to D.B. “he’s...he’s that old, whatever that age is”

“You...don’t know how old your baby is?”

“Well, he’s….y’know...that big” said Dennis, pointing once again to the baby “isn’t it obvious...how old he is?”

The look on Sasha’s face made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t obvious.

Mac tried to help “Look, he’s definitely somewhere between zero and one….we’re like, 80 percent sure of that...”

Sasha tried a different line of questioning “Okay...is he allergic to anything?”

The three men shrugged at each other 

“We’re not sure on that either so let’s just say….all. All allergies” said Dennis, as Mac and Charlie nodded in approval. “Just to be safe. ”

“All...allergies? You think your child is allergic to everything?”

“We don’t want to take any chances” explained Mac

By some miracle, Sasha managed not to sigh heavily with frustration. “Okay, well. This range is organic, GMO-free and has no added salt or sugar.” she grabs a jar with a very fancy looking label off the bottom shelf “This one is pureed lamb shank with cinnamon spiced sweet potato and pumpkin and this one is smashed avocado with blended white beans and peas.” She looked up to see all three men looking somewhere between impressed and disgusted. 

“Wow” said Charlie eventually “I never knew baby food was so fancy”

“Those sound fancy as shit” agreed Mac, taking one the jars from Sasha’s hands to have a closer look “I’ve never eaten anything near that classy, even at a restaurant, dude”

“Those both sound great” said Dennis “nothing is too good for our D.B.” he knelt down to grab a few more jars from the shelve when the price label caught his eye “whoa...you’ve got a typo down here on the prices, Sasha”.

She checked “No. No that’s correct”

Dennis blinked at her “$19.95?”

“Fuck, what?” said Mac, peering over Dennis’ head to see the price for himself “it’s baby food!”

“Is that for like, a pallet or a box of these things?” Dennis asked, refusing to believe he lived in a world where you don’t get a lot of change from a twenty when buying a jar of baby food.

“No, that’s...the price per jar”

Charlie made a range of sceptical noises “that’s...that’s mad, man. Like you can get….” he squints as he does some quick mental math “...like way more cat food for that money. Like, I’d say at least 50 cans of the stuff” he paused “hey, guys - why don’t we just get cat food?”

“We’re not feeding the baby cat food, Charlie. Stop suggesting it” said Dennis before he turned his attention back to Sasha “Why would people pay so much for just one jar of baby food? What kind of racket are you people running?”

“Kid’ll probably just throw it up anyway” said Mac. 

Sash shrugged “I guess...people can’t put a price on feeding their baby healthy food…”

“Okay well, $19.95 for normal food that’s been shoved through a blender is just ridiculous so we’re going to change our stance and say D.B. over here has zero allergies and can eat whatever”.

“He was totally fine when we found him in the dumpster” said Mac, giving D.B.’s leg a little wiggle “Kid’s a fighter, we can probably feed him whatever and he’d be fine”.

Charlie huffed “oh, so we’ll feed him anything but not cat food, is that it?”. 

“Sasha, please can you direct us to your cheapest baby food, preferably in-date but...that’s something we’re willing to compromise on” Dennis flashed her a broad smile that she did not return as she wordlessly pointed to a range on the middle shelf. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Well, at least he’s stopped crying”

The three were walking back towards the park. Charlie was carrying D.B., scooping up dollops of questionably cheap baby food with his fingers to feed the baby, as none of them had thought to buy a spoon.

“I can still hear it though” complained Dennis “it’s like tinnitus, it’s right here” he pointed to his temples. The afternoon was quickly slipping towards evening and their window opportunity to meet more women was shrinking rapidly. A guy and his baby walking around the park in the daytime - adorable. A guy and his baby walking around the park at night - highly suspicious.

“Charlie, are you eating the baby food?” asked Mac. 

Charlie paused, his fingers close to his mouth covered in the thick green paste “yeah so?” He stuffed the blob of baby food into his mouth and continued to talk “he’s not gonna eat all of it and it’s not bad…” he nodded to himself, obviously pleased at making this discovery “I mean, it’s no cat food but...”

Dennis and Mac stared at Charlie, lost for words as he held out another finger of the mixture to D.B., who greedily slurped it up. The next scoop was for Charlie.

“It tastes like a broccoli smoothie, it’s really not that bad.”

“You’re unbelievable” said Mac, as Dennis rubbed his forehead. Between the screaming and the panic of feeding this kid, he had a phenomenal headache building and he didn’t have the energy to deal with Charlie Kelly, baby food critic.

“Hey, I’m just open to new experiences” he threw his arms wide as he defended himself “y’know, I try new things” he leaned forward and sniffed D.B.’s hairless head and smiled to himself. 

“Dude, did you seriously just sniff the baby's head?” Mac was also reaching his limits with Charlie “What’s with you today?”.

“It smells great, it’s-it’s that new baby smell, man. It’s addictive”. 

“New baby smell?”.

“Yeah man, it’s great - c’mere, try it”.

Mac shrugged and gave the kid’s head a quick sniff “Nah” he said, shaking his head “I’m not getting anything - lemme try again” To Dennis’ horror, his roommate leaned down and took a deeper sniff “Oh shit, Charlie’s right - new baby smell. It’s just a little subtle under the broccoli.”

“It’s good, isn’t it?” said Charlie, struggling to extract the last bit of baby food from the jar. 

“So good, it’s like...powder and warm milk. Dennis, do you want a try?”

Dennis snapped “No! No I don’t want to sniff a baby’s head on the street and I really feel I shouldn’t have to tell you to do the same” he grappled in his pocket for his phone “I’m done with this plan by the way. I’m calling it - I’m going to ring Dee and get her to come get D.B. before we get arrested and put on a list or something...”

The dial tone echoed in Dennis’ ear, aggravating his headache even further. His stomach dropped when he heard Dee’s voicemail kick in. “That bitch turned her phone off” he snarled “Dee, it’s Dennis I need you to get your useless bird body to the apartment now and collect this kid so help me God, or I will annihilate you, it and everyone within a 3 feet radius.”

Charlie and Mac shared a look that clearly communicated their intentions to be outside of that radius when the time came. 

With the plan over, having ended on a sour note, they walked back to Mac and Dennis’ apartment to wait for Dee.

“So, who exactly are we in Three Men and a Baby?” asked Mac over a beer. D.B. was sleeping soundly at one end of the sofa, a small bundle of clothes protecting him from the edge. “Like, which characters?”

“Mine is obvious” replied Dennis instantly, his mood improved by beer and a break from baby wrangling “I’m Tom Selleck - I’m sophisticated, ruggedly handsome and the most natural leader.” Charlie and Mac knew better than to voice any thoughts to the contrary so just nodded. 

Dennis continued “Charlie is our loose canon so he’s clearly Ted Danson’s character, working crappy jobs, constantly disorganised and just disappearing with no notice.”

“Hey no” interjected Mac, clearly upset “I should be Ted Danson, not Charlie.”

“It really fits Charlie better”.

Charlie had to agree “Yeah, it’s pretty accurate man, I mean...I don’t make the rules”.

Mac was unconvinced “but that makes me the pussy one, y’know the artist that Steve Guttenberg plays - that aint me.”

“Well, it kinda is just by process of elimination, Mac” said Dennis with a small ‘whatcha gonna do’ shrug “Granted, you don’t possess that sweet, almost feminine nature that Steve brings to his character, but as me and Charlie are so suited to our characters, I’m afraid you’re our Guttenberg.”

“Aww man” Mac slumped down in his seat “he’s the worst one”

“I dunno, I mean, he’s a cartoonist - that’s a cool thing right?” said Charlie, trying to help Mac see the bright side.

“Charlie, the guys a cartoonist in his thirties” said Dennis snidely, “He’s pathetic.”

“Holy shit, I got it - I got who I can be” Mac said excitedly “The drug dealer.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you guys be Tom Selleck and Ted Danson and I’ll be that cool, bad-ass drug dealer.”

“So, just to be clear…” said Dennis, preparing to unpack what Mac had just thrown at him “in the movie Three Men and a Baby, you want to be….the drug dealer.”

“Yeah.”

There was a pause

“Why?”

“Cos it’s better than being Steve Guttenberg’s sissy cartoonist. That guy is such a pussy.”

“Well that’s as maybe” admitted Dennis “but the movie is not called Two Men and a Baby and a Drug Dealer now, is it Mac?” 

He never got an answer off Mac, who was busy pulling a face “you smell that?”

The stench hit Dennis, who recoiled “Jesus, what is that?”

Both of them looked over at Charlie who squirmed in annoyance “Why you guys doing that, why’d you look at me?”

“You’re generally the source of all unexplained, unpleasant smells' ' said Dennis as Mac did some investigation as the smells source.

“Oh shit” he said “I think it’s shit” he pointed to D.B. who had woken up and was keeping himself amused by kicking at the clothes wall that surrounded him. There was a pause as all three contemplated the situation. 

“Not it!” yelled Mac and Charlie in near perfect unison. Dennis, late to game swore and quickly set about coming with a plan to avoid going anywhere near that dirty diaper.

“Charlie, this has all the hallmarks of your work - it’s gross, it involves poop. You really ought to be on the one to do this, buddy.”

“I don’t wanna do it.”

“We need you to do it, D.B. needs you to do it - c’mon Charlie helps us out.” Dennis hoped this would be sufficient as he didn’t think he had enough reserves in him to not resort to begging.

Charlie crossed his arms and shrugged, but inwardly contemplated what to do. Eventually, he conceded but he had his terms.

“Okay but….I want your hairspray and your body spray.” 

“Deal” yelled Mac, oblivious to the fact they weren’t his items to give away.

“Why?” asked Dennis before it hit him “you’re...you’re gonna get high off them. Of course.” he sighed “Sure thing, Charlie. You can have my aerosols to huff if you deal with this situation.”

“Yes!” hollered Charlie, pumping his fists “Okay, whadda we do?”

“Maybe there’s something in this bag” said Mac a he looked through the contents of the diaper bag hooked on the handles of the stroller “Let’s see, we got...powder...and wipes…” he pulled out a plastic teething ring “...some kind of...weird plastic cock ring I guess?”

“A...cock ring?” repeated Dennis “What the fuck has Dee been doing? You can tell she has no motherly instincts at all, leaving a cock ring in D.B..’s diaper bag.”

Armed with diapers, powder, wipes and a sacrificial towel, Charlie knelt down in front of the sofa. Mac and Dennis had retreated into Dennis’ bedroom, eager to put as much distance between themselves and the hazardous waste.

Charlie took a deep breath. He was proud to say he’d encountered and successfully handled a wide variety of shits but never from a baby. It was also unusual for him to be seeing the creature that had produced the faecal matter, as usually the only traces he found that something had been there was the poop.

“Okay kid” he says, unbuttoning D.B.’s romper suit “Nothing to worry about, just gonna get you cleaned up.”

He ripped the tape and opened up the diaper “Holy shit, dude!” he looked up at D.B. “I wouldn’t have thought you were capable of something like this! Like, fuck - I’m impressed” He set about cleaning up the baby with the wet wipes “I recognise talent when I see it, D.B.! You made a serious shit...”

In the bedroom, Dennis and Mac waited it out.

“Thank God for Charlie” said Mac, voicing a similar thought to what Dennis was having. He grunted in agreement.

“I don’t like dealing with my own shit” he said “so I definitely do not want to have to go anywhere near someone else’s. Babies are disgusting.”

“So gross” agreed Mac, with a small shudder.   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The evening ticked by. There had been no word from Dee, despite Dennis’ increasingly aggressive voicemail messages.

“What’s wrong with it?” he hissed, as D.B. was in the middle of another crying fit.

“I don’t know, Dennis” Mac snapped back, as he paced the apartment, rocking D.B. in the hopes it will settle him down “I’m trying everything.”

“Well try something else!” 

The atmosphere in the apartment was palpable. Whilst using D.B. to score some flirting with hot ladies for them had seemed like a fantastic idea that morning, it had actually turned into them needing to do some actual parenting - something they were totally unsuitable for. 

Dennis raked his fingers through his hair “I don’t know what it wants - what does it want?” he demanded, more addressed at Mac and Charlie than at D.B. “it;s been fed, it’s been cleaned, it’s had a nap - what else could that thing possibly want? A-a lap-dance? The TV guide? A shot of vodka?” He was unravelling quickly, the stresses of the day wearing down his usual resilient nature.

“Maybe he’s bored” suggested Charlie, who had taken to pacing alongside Mac “we just need to find summat for him to play with…” he peeled off to have a look about the apartment.

“Dennis, come hold him for a bit” whined Mac, shifting D.B. onto his hip “My arms are getting tired.” 

“Absolutely not - this whole thing is your fault. It was your stupid idea to do Three Men and a Baby and now look.” he gestured around the apartment despite there not really being anything to look at “We’re trapped here with-”

“It’s not my fault, okay man” interrupted Mac.

“Shut up - and it is. It is entirely your fault and you know what the worst part is Mac? Do you?” Dennis squared up to his roommate, who sighed deeply and shifted D.B. to his other hip. 

“There are….no women here, having sex with us. None” Dennis smirked at him “so your plan for us all to get laid using this brat failed...”

Mac gazed at the floor, thoroughly sheepish as Charlie wandered back over. He held out the teething ring to D.B., giving it a little shake. Dennis snatched it out of Charlie’s hands.

“The baby is not playing with a cock ring, Charlie!” 

“Don’t yell at me, I don’t know what to do man!”

“Well not giving the baby a cock ring is a good place to start, for God's Sake.”

D.B. thrashed unhappily in Mac’s arms, his cries growing louder and putting the brakes on their argument.

Dennis dragged a hand down his face “Okay” he said, sounding tired and defeated “Let’s think, what did they do in the film when the kid wouldn't shut up?”

“Oh! They sing” said Mac “they sing to it and it just calms the kid right down.”

“Yeah yeah” said Charlie “they do that Goodnight song, with all the harmonies and shit.” It seemed a credible idea had presented itself.

“I kinda hate that song though...” admitted Mac

“Oh man, me too - all the da-bums and do-do’ing, it’s just stupid, it’s not even words...”

Dennis had to agree on this one “Crooning is one of the worst genres of music, for sure. But what are we gonna sing if we don’t do that one?”

The three men stood and thought. Charlie snapped his fingers “The other song, the one about falling stars from-from the movie.”

“What?” said Mac

Dennis knew exactly Charlie was on about “Yes, oh my god it’s perfect.”

“I still don’t know what song you guys are talking about."

“You know it, you must - it’s really recognisable” said Dennis “It’s such a classic 80s ballad. Here” he cleared his throat and began to sing, sounding amazingly similar to the original “I hear your name whispered on the wind, it’s a sooooound...that makes me cryyyy.”

“Oh my God” said Mac “It’s that one, I know that one.”

Dennis continued to sing, mostly for his own entertainment but thankfully it kept D.B. distracted too. The baby stopped screaming and was gazing at Dennis, his eye still wet from crying but now much less agitated.

“Holy shit dude, it’s working!” said Charlie as he joined in, off-key and coming in about a second too late on every lyric.

The three men stood, serenading the calmed child who was now smiling at their efforts, occasionally throwing in a giggle for good measure. They all felt ridiculous - three grown men singing about catching falling stars at each other but none of them could stand the screaming to start up again.

The song was reaching a crescendo and none of them could resist putting on extra flourish at the line “But I can't love you this much baby...and love you from this farrrrrrr”

As they sang the final note, Mac gently placed D.B. back down onto his little sofa nest. His eyelids were drooping and it was clear he would be drifting off the sleep very soon.

“That...was some amazing Three Men and a Baby shit, right there” said Dennis.

“I know, right? We sound really good” said Charlie.

“We should start a singing group” said Mac “First off, what are we gonna call ourselves?”

Dennis was too tired to entertain any discussions about starting a singing group, however tempting the idea seemed. He stifled a yawn. “I’m going to bed - this kid has me beat.”

“Good idea” said Mac, him and Charlie heading towards his bedroom “Night, dude. Night, D.B.”

Plans for a solid 8 hours of sleep were scuppered. Within the hour, D.B. woke up, fussing in the dark and waiting for someone to come check on him. No-one came so he whimpered. The whimpering turned to crying which in turn became screaming. There was no way anyone was getting any sleep, no matter how hard Dennis tried.

“Do you think he’s sick?” asked Mac, his ungelled hair sticking up in every direction. It was Charlie’s turn to carry D.B. around the apartment, rocking him gently and trying to lull him back into being calm. 

“I’m starting to think he’s just broken” said Charlie “Like, is it normal for babies to cry this much? It feels like a lot.”

“It is a lot Charlie. It’s a lot of crying and I can’t stand it” Dennis marched over to Charlie and crouched down to stare at D.B.. He pointed at him “You. Stop crying. Right now. I mean it.”

There was a pause long enough for everyone to think that that had, somehow worked, before D.B. continued to wail.

“Maybe he is sick...” said Dennis, feeling numb from exhaustion.

“Oh man, that’s bad - should we call Dee.”

“Mailbox full” said Dennis “I must have used up the last space when I rang to call her a useless whore earlier. When I see her, I am going to obliterate her.”

Mac returned from the bathroom, having retrieved the first aid kit. “Maybe there’s something we can give him from here.”

Dennis opened the box “well, the contents of our first aid kit include expired laxative tablets.and a note saying ‘don’t be a pussy’ so no, I don’t think there is anything in here to help D.B.”

“I wrote that” admitted Mac “I kinda thought it might come back to bite me in the ass and I was right...”

“I’ll take the laxative tablets off your hands if you don't want them” said Charlie, eagerly. At this stage in the night, Mac and Dennis would happily have given Charlie any number of laxative tablets, expired or otherwise, to get some sleep. 

As the light outside the apartment windows grew steadily brighter, D.B. finally fell asleep, fitfully at first but soon falling into a deep, peaceful slumber that everyone was envious of.

They’d moved into Dennis’ bedroom by this point, the couch and floor of the living proving too small and/or uncomfortable for the three of them. Mac gave D.B.’s cheek a quick stroke, hoping this wasn’t enough to stir him. 

“He’s asleep” he whispered. 

Charlie gave a very half-hearted “yay” as he laid his head down on Mac’s legs to try and sleep. Dennis draped an arm over his eyes and tried to straighten his neck as much as possible. D.B. occupied the middle of the bed, taking up a surprising amount of space for such a small human. Mac, Dennis and Charlie were curled around him, twisted into odd angles with overlapping limbs in their attempts to protect the baby from the drop off the side of the bed.

Within seconds, all four were sound asleep and it felt like only a few seconds more had passed when they were rudely awoken by Dee.

“Knock knock” she said, ignorant to how annoying people who ‘knock knock’ are. She barged into the apartment and slammed the door behind her. The guys flinched awake, bleary eyed and disorientated. In the middle of them D.B. stretched and gave a small whimper.

Dennis was the first off the bed, storming towards his sister, his rage no cooler than it had been last night “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” he demanded.

“I wanted a night off, guys - Mac took D.B. so I went radio silent. I wasn’t going to let you jagweeds ruin my night...”

Mac and Charlie shuffled out of Dennis’ bedroom. 

“Did you all sleep in the same bed? What are you, hamsters?” She clocked the shadows under Dennis’ eyes, Mac’s ruffled hair and Charlie’s shirt that he’d somehow managed to put on inside out and back to front. “Jeez, you guys look like shit”

“Shut up, bird” said Mac, depositing a gurgling D.B. into her arms and collapsing onto the sofa.

“Dee, your negligence with regards to this baby is nothing short of deplorable. Now, we’ve levelled our fair share of criticisms at D.B.’s whore of a mother but you….you are far more evil than she is” Dee rolled her eyes as Dennis’ lecture gained momentum “Not only did you abandon this baby, days after his birth mother did….you abandoned us.” he gestures to Mac and Charlie sitting listlessly on the sofa. “I called you. I called you many times last night.”

“Yeah, I got your voice messages - real classy, asshole.”

He held up a hand to stop any further words coming out of Dee’s mouth “I called you as you were needed...but, you let me down. My own sister….you let D.B. down. You let all of us down. I may seem calm but beneath the surface I am a roaring inferno of rage. You will be punished…but not yet. I need time and rest to think up a suitable severe punishment for your crimes, not just as a friend and sister….but as a woman.”

He shoved the stroller towards her and grabbed something off the coffee table “Now, take your baby, take your cock ring which is disgusting by the way, keep it away from D.B...”

“What the fu- it’s not a cock ring” but Dennis yelled over her

“And leave Dee. Go. Get out of my home before I add further trauma to his already vulnerable young child by letting him see me rip you apart with my bare fucking hands!” Dennis opened the door and gestured out into the hallway, the colour rising in his cheeks.

Dee tutted, but complied with her instructions. “Assholes” she said, slamming the door behind her.

The silence that was left after the departure of Dee and D.B. was eerie. Dennis joined Mac and Charlie on the couch, all three of them gazing unfocused into the middle distance, overwhelmed by fatigue.

“Guys” said Charlie weakly “I don’t think we’re ready for a baby...”


End file.
